I remember a bulletin that we had in church one week. On the front of the bulletin was a picture of two wolves and a Cherokee proverb. The saying goes like this: "There is a Battle of Two Wolves Inside Us All. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins? The one you feed." And it is so true! So many of us have those two opposing 'wolves' who dwell inside of us. It might be the wolves who represent the two views we may have of ourselves. Or the two wolves who represent our struggles with an addiction. Or maybe the two wolves who represent our efforts to be in the world and not of the world.
I spent some time thinking about this the other day. I wonder how many people have these wolves who are doing constant battle in their hearts? How many of us have spent years 'feeding'...or allowing to be fed, the 'bad' wolf? The wolf that is our poor self-image, or our giving into temptation, or our allowing ourselves to conform to the world's values instead of GOD's. How often those wolves gorge themselves like a king at an endless banquet, stuffing themselves with the lies, fears and doubts that can bring us to our knees? And the good wolf, the one who is the truth that we are beloved, cherished, forgiven children of a mighty GOD, the one who is our strength to turn from temptation and to stand strong in our beliefs... the poor little wolf who hungrily gobbles up anything and everything he can. How we need to learn to feed him! To put him on a steady diet of love, and truth, and honest encouragement. Every time we feed him, we starve his wretched counterpart. Every time we give him a morsel of truth, we deny that 'bad' wolf the sustenance he needs to continue his reign of lies against us.
I pray that anyone reading this has a fat and happy 'good' wolf, and that the 'bad' wolf is but a shadow far back, so far that you can barely see it. I pray that we all learn to nurture and nourish our 'good' wolves, and learn that is in fact ok to starve that bad wolf... and send it packing!!!
Heavenly Father, please help us to send our 'bad' wolves packing. Please help us to see our lives, and ourselves, in the truth of your love. Thank You for being our strength. In JESUS' name. Amen
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Hoarding
Hubby has been watching the show 'Hoarders' lately. Not sure why, but he has watched it a few times now. I was watching with him the other night and the woman they were helping was very cooperative, letting them basically throw out just about everything that had accumulated in her home over many years. Of course this got me thinking...
As we grow up we take in the words of others. They get stacked in piles in our hearts, in our minds, even in our very souls. There is the stack over there that is full of teasing and taunting by bullies. The stack next to it that is full of condemnation, and the one that is full of put downs by those who said they loved you. Hopefully there are also stacks full of kind words, words that built you up and made you feel safe, loved, respected. Stacks full of words that remind you of good times with people who you loved and who loved you.
There comes a time in our lives when we need to stop hoarding. Just like that woman on the show, we need to let people come in, sometimes professionals, and help us clear out all those stacks of junk that are cluttering up our minds. The difference between the woman's home before and after was amazing. I just thought 'wow, now she can really live'. Isn't it the same when we clear out our minds? When we get rid of all those stacks, we can really live! We can stop hearing that endless loop of negative words that has been playing for all our lives, and really live in the freedom that CHRIST wants us to have!
Not everyone that appears on the show is so cooperative. Many of the people they are trying to help just don't, or can't, let them help. They hold onto their stuff, their 'stacks', so tightly that the professionals that are there to help them are unable to. Their hands are tied because the ones that need the help are unwilling to do their part. How like that we can all be when it comes to letting go of the past! I wonder if sometimes we are just too afraid of what life will look like without that which is familiar around us, even if that which is familiar is the very stuff that is weighing us down. Just like those on the show, we get used to working around all our 'stacks', we get use to navigating so that we can continue living. But are we living? Or are we just existing. Watching this show, I just feel so sad for these people. They basically just exist. They can do little more than just be in their homes. They can't move around freely, most can't use their kitchens so they can't cook a meal. They certainly can't have friends over. But when the house gets cleaned out, their lives suddenly open up. Without all the clutter, they can move freely, they can sit on their couches, eat in their kitchens, sleep in their beds. Little things like opening a door, or walking across the floor easily. Things that we take for granted, things that they couldn't do. How will our lives open up if we cleaned out all our stacks? How much easier to hear GOD's still, small voice if our minds aren't cluttered with all those stacks of negative words that won't let us live freely? GOD wants us to live as His children, it really doesn't matter what people think of us, the Bible tells us what GOD thinks of us. And He loves us. Just the way we are.
Heavenly Father, help us to clear out those stacks, it's time for us to stop hoarding them. They are doing us no good! Please help us to rid our minds and souls of the negative words we have heard spoken to and about us, and to focus on Your still, small voice. We thank You for the words You gave us in Your Holy Bible, reminding us that we are in fact Your beloved child. In JESUS' name, Amen.
As we grow up we take in the words of others. They get stacked in piles in our hearts, in our minds, even in our very souls. There is the stack over there that is full of teasing and taunting by bullies. The stack next to it that is full of condemnation, and the one that is full of put downs by those who said they loved you. Hopefully there are also stacks full of kind words, words that built you up and made you feel safe, loved, respected. Stacks full of words that remind you of good times with people who you loved and who loved you.
There comes a time in our lives when we need to stop hoarding. Just like that woman on the show, we need to let people come in, sometimes professionals, and help us clear out all those stacks of junk that are cluttering up our minds. The difference between the woman's home before and after was amazing. I just thought 'wow, now she can really live'. Isn't it the same when we clear out our minds? When we get rid of all those stacks, we can really live! We can stop hearing that endless loop of negative words that has been playing for all our lives, and really live in the freedom that CHRIST wants us to have!
Not everyone that appears on the show is so cooperative. Many of the people they are trying to help just don't, or can't, let them help. They hold onto their stuff, their 'stacks', so tightly that the professionals that are there to help them are unable to. Their hands are tied because the ones that need the help are unwilling to do their part. How like that we can all be when it comes to letting go of the past! I wonder if sometimes we are just too afraid of what life will look like without that which is familiar around us, even if that which is familiar is the very stuff that is weighing us down. Just like those on the show, we get used to working around all our 'stacks', we get use to navigating so that we can continue living. But are we living? Or are we just existing. Watching this show, I just feel so sad for these people. They basically just exist. They can do little more than just be in their homes. They can't move around freely, most can't use their kitchens so they can't cook a meal. They certainly can't have friends over. But when the house gets cleaned out, their lives suddenly open up. Without all the clutter, they can move freely, they can sit on their couches, eat in their kitchens, sleep in their beds. Little things like opening a door, or walking across the floor easily. Things that we take for granted, things that they couldn't do. How will our lives open up if we cleaned out all our stacks? How much easier to hear GOD's still, small voice if our minds aren't cluttered with all those stacks of negative words that won't let us live freely? GOD wants us to live as His children, it really doesn't matter what people think of us, the Bible tells us what GOD thinks of us. And He loves us. Just the way we are.
Heavenly Father, help us to clear out those stacks, it's time for us to stop hoarding them. They are doing us no good! Please help us to rid our minds and souls of the negative words we have heard spoken to and about us, and to focus on Your still, small voice. We thank You for the words You gave us in Your Holy Bible, reminding us that we are in fact Your beloved child. In JESUS' name, Amen.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
It's Just Too Hard...Or Is It?
I have a confession to make. I was given an assignment that I have not completed. Not for my schooling (I got all that done and turned in...early even!), or from Pastor (I am working on my next sermon, not exactly an 'assignment' from her, but something I need to do in a certain amount of time.). Nope, this is an assignment from my music teacher. I have been practicing so much (1 1/2 to 2 hours a day, off and on throughout the day) that I am progressing fairly well. So she wants me to learn to play 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring (see an example on youtube... this woman plays beautifully!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwINOcFwTjc )
I would love to play that way. It would be amazing to play that well. And I know that if I work hard and practice it a LOT... I will at least get close.
But it is still a scary thing...
I have taken out the music a few times. I can play a measure or two... not well, but well enough that my ears don't hurt and I am not overwhelmed by the desire to throw my violin across the room (NEVER would do that!!!! We broke a string one day...easy enough to fix but it made me want to cry!) But when I try to play more than just a few measures, well, I quickly get overwhelmed with the difficulty of it. I want to play it, and play it well.... NOW. I don't want to have to (this is a yucky word... sorry for having to use it...) wait. I'm not good at delayed gratification... which means that GOD gives me many many opportunities to practice it. I have to convince myself that anything that is worth doing will probably take time, and just because I don't succeed quickly and all at once, it doesn't mean I never will.
It reminds me of my journey, this journey that GOD has sent me on. I started my first class this week and a few times I have caught myself slipping into the 'what if I fail at this? what if it is too hard? what if I am wasting my... and everyone else's time? what if I am no good at it??' mindset. So far I have been able to avoid falling for the enemies lies that I am going to fail at it. When I first decided to obey GOD and go into ministry I had a meeting with our District Superintendent (a very wise man) and he told me something that has really stuck with me, and that I am really trying to remember when I start to doubt myself. He told me (and I am paraphrasing here!) that no one expects me to be a good pastor right now... that that is what the journey, or process, is about. The process to become a pastor (not even counting the schooling part... there is a whole process within the church in addition to getting a degree) is meant to prepare one to serve. It is such a comfort to know that where I am now is not where I will be when I complete this journey. Which is a very very good thing... I don't see in myself what it would take to be an effective pastor. But GOD must... or HE wouldn't have asked me to be one! And just like that piece of music, obeying Him... and being a blessing to His children, will take a bit of practice, a lot of persistence, and a whole lot of patience.
I think I need to get out my violin...
Heavenly Father, thank You again for the gift of music, what a blessing not only to hear it, but to be able to make it! Thank you for my music teacher,and her patient instruction, encouragement and optimism! Thank you for the wise words spoken by my DS, and the way they have helped me have the determination to persevere. Please help me to continue to see the goal... serving you, and to not listen to the enemy when he tries to convince me that it's just too hard. In JESUS' name, Amen.
I would love to play that way. It would be amazing to play that well. And I know that if I work hard and practice it a LOT... I will at least get close.
But it is still a scary thing...
I have taken out the music a few times. I can play a measure or two... not well, but well enough that my ears don't hurt and I am not overwhelmed by the desire to throw my violin across the room (NEVER would do that!!!! We broke a string one day...easy enough to fix but it made me want to cry!) But when I try to play more than just a few measures, well, I quickly get overwhelmed with the difficulty of it. I want to play it, and play it well.... NOW. I don't want to have to (this is a yucky word... sorry for having to use it...) wait. I'm not good at delayed gratification... which means that GOD gives me many many opportunities to practice it. I have to convince myself that anything that is worth doing will probably take time, and just because I don't succeed quickly and all at once, it doesn't mean I never will.
It reminds me of my journey, this journey that GOD has sent me on. I started my first class this week and a few times I have caught myself slipping into the 'what if I fail at this? what if it is too hard? what if I am wasting my... and everyone else's time? what if I am no good at it??' mindset. So far I have been able to avoid falling for the enemies lies that I am going to fail at it. When I first decided to obey GOD and go into ministry I had a meeting with our District Superintendent (a very wise man) and he told me something that has really stuck with me, and that I am really trying to remember when I start to doubt myself. He told me (and I am paraphrasing here!) that no one expects me to be a good pastor right now... that that is what the journey, or process, is about. The process to become a pastor (not even counting the schooling part... there is a whole process within the church in addition to getting a degree) is meant to prepare one to serve. It is such a comfort to know that where I am now is not where I will be when I complete this journey. Which is a very very good thing... I don't see in myself what it would take to be an effective pastor. But GOD must... or HE wouldn't have asked me to be one! And just like that piece of music, obeying Him... and being a blessing to His children, will take a bit of practice, a lot of persistence, and a whole lot of patience.
I think I need to get out my violin...
Heavenly Father, thank You again for the gift of music, what a blessing not only to hear it, but to be able to make it! Thank you for my music teacher,and her patient instruction, encouragement and optimism! Thank you for the wise words spoken by my DS, and the way they have helped me have the determination to persevere. Please help me to continue to see the goal... serving you, and to not listen to the enemy when he tries to convince me that it's just too hard. In JESUS' name, Amen.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Love Covers it All
I've been thinking a lot about love lately. In a Christian sense, not a romantic sense. See, I have a facebook account, and I am 'facebook friends' with many people, who have a very very wide range of beliefs. From the far right to the far left and everything in between. From the pro-life, Bible believing, conservatives to the pro-choice, every kind of faith goes, liberals. (And might I mention that I love them all... just so that is said!).
One thing that has gotten my attention lately is the polar differences in the posts I have been seeing. And to add to it, the bumper stickers I have been noticing lately too. It occurred to me that they all have one thing in common... no matter what the content... and that is love. Whether they are talking about the need to love people who are gay, or the need to care for those who can't care for themselves, or the need to care for the environment. The main theme is love. Now, I don't agree with all the posts that I see. There are some that I disagree with quite strongly, but the love part... I can only say a whole hearted 'Amen' to that. After all, isn't that why JESUS came? Isn't that what HE preached in His short but powerful ministry? Didn't He time and time again look past all the 'details' of who His children were... be they tax collectors or prostitutes, adulterers or lepers, and see to the heart of the one He loved? Didn't He allow Himself to be humiliated and tortured, nailed to a tree all in the name of love? He didn't come and make the ultimate sacrifice so that we could turn to our neighbor and see only their sins, or their weaknesses, or even simply the ways they are different from us. He made that sacrifice so that we would know what unconditional, limitless love looks like... and DO something with that knowledge.
Now before I get any grumpy comments...I don't mean that we shouldn't live the way GOD tells us to. He gives us some pretty clear instructions about how to live. But that doesn't mean that we are to be judge and jury over others. JESUS tells us to be salt and light. He tells us to live in a way that others will see Him in us. He never says that we get to get angry at someone because they don't do the same. And He certainly doesn't want us to treat others in a way that pushes them away from HIM.
One thing that has gotten my attention lately is the polar differences in the posts I have been seeing. And to add to it, the bumper stickers I have been noticing lately too. It occurred to me that they all have one thing in common... no matter what the content... and that is love. Whether they are talking about the need to love people who are gay, or the need to care for those who can't care for themselves, or the need to care for the environment. The main theme is love. Now, I don't agree with all the posts that I see. There are some that I disagree with quite strongly, but the love part... I can only say a whole hearted 'Amen' to that. After all, isn't that why JESUS came? Isn't that what HE preached in His short but powerful ministry? Didn't He time and time again look past all the 'details' of who His children were... be they tax collectors or prostitutes, adulterers or lepers, and see to the heart of the one He loved? Didn't He allow Himself to be humiliated and tortured, nailed to a tree all in the name of love? He didn't come and make the ultimate sacrifice so that we could turn to our neighbor and see only their sins, or their weaknesses, or even simply the ways they are different from us. He made that sacrifice so that we would know what unconditional, limitless love looks like... and DO something with that knowledge.
Now before I get any grumpy comments...I don't mean that we shouldn't live the way GOD tells us to. He gives us some pretty clear instructions about how to live. But that doesn't mean that we are to be judge and jury over others. JESUS tells us to be salt and light. He tells us to live in a way that others will see Him in us. He never says that we get to get angry at someone because they don't do the same. And He certainly doesn't want us to treat others in a way that pushes them away from HIM.
Matthew 22:35-41
New King James Version (NKJV)
35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”
37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Growing and Living
I listened to two things today that made my mind start turning, and in a funny way they kind of tie together. The first was a sermon at church. Pastor is away and a friend was filling in for her. Her sermon was about not dropping out of life, about always continuing to grow and learn. She pointed out that those we admire (and I would add, those that really touch our lives in meaningful ways) are those that are always seeking to better themselves and their lives. How true! And it seems that those who have that mindset, that life is about growing and learning, are also those who are likely to encourage others to step out of what is comfortable... and grow and learn. I know that those I admire and respect are those who not only are always learning, but that are always looking to help others do the same. And what a difference they have made in my life... and to my faith. Because the more I learn and the more I look to grow, the deeper my faith becomes, and the wider and stronger my foundation becomes.
The second thing I heard today was the song "The Rose" (originally by Bette Midler, this version was sung by Francesca Bertecelli...not sure if I spelled her name right). I have always loved this song. Today as we drove home I was thinking about the sermon and I heard this line "It's the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live." It's so easy to put up a wall between ourselves and the world, to protect ourselves from the pain that comes with living sometimes. But when we do that we miss out on so much of the joy that comes with life too. It's so easy to choose not to do something new or different or hard, because it might hurt us if we fail. It's easy to make excuse that we are unqualified or unequipped, and so we just continue on in our little comfort zones, missing out on all the blessings that come with putting ourselves out there.
When I was in school I was not the most successful student. I struggled to pay attention in class, struggled to do my homework each evening, really just squeaked by thru much of my high school years. I convinced myself that I was just not a good learner, and so I didn't go to college. I figured it was pointless to try, since I hadn't really ever succeeded. So why try? But then this summer I finally listened to what GOD had been trying get thru my stubborn head. 'Become a pastor!' HE was telling me. Ooookkkkaaayyy. 'Really, are you sure?' and it seems HE is, so I am determined to obey. One thing... it involves going to college. And so it also involves a major change in my thinking. I have to make a decision to trust that GOD will help me with the learning part, that HE will help me focus my mind on the work assigned and complete it well. I have to be ready for this great adventure HE has called me to, and not drop out of it if (when) it becomes challenging.
Heavenly Lord, thank you for the great adventures you set before us each amazing new day. Thank you for giving the courage and strength to learn to live, to never drop out of the life you have so generously blessed us with! Please help us to always see Your hand in each new day and to trust in Your will and grace. In JESUS' blessed name, Amen!
The second thing I heard today was the song "The Rose" (originally by Bette Midler, this version was sung by Francesca Bertecelli...not sure if I spelled her name right). I have always loved this song. Today as we drove home I was thinking about the sermon and I heard this line "It's the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live." It's so easy to put up a wall between ourselves and the world, to protect ourselves from the pain that comes with living sometimes. But when we do that we miss out on so much of the joy that comes with life too. It's so easy to choose not to do something new or different or hard, because it might hurt us if we fail. It's easy to make excuse that we are unqualified or unequipped, and so we just continue on in our little comfort zones, missing out on all the blessings that come with putting ourselves out there.
When I was in school I was not the most successful student. I struggled to pay attention in class, struggled to do my homework each evening, really just squeaked by thru much of my high school years. I convinced myself that I was just not a good learner, and so I didn't go to college. I figured it was pointless to try, since I hadn't really ever succeeded. So why try? But then this summer I finally listened to what GOD had been trying get thru my stubborn head. 'Become a pastor!' HE was telling me. Ooookkkkaaayyy. 'Really, are you sure?' and it seems HE is, so I am determined to obey. One thing... it involves going to college. And so it also involves a major change in my thinking. I have to make a decision to trust that GOD will help me with the learning part, that HE will help me focus my mind on the work assigned and complete it well. I have to be ready for this great adventure HE has called me to, and not drop out of it if (when) it becomes challenging.
Heavenly Lord, thank you for the great adventures you set before us each amazing new day. Thank you for giving the courage and strength to learn to live, to never drop out of the life you have so generously blessed us with! Please help us to always see Your hand in each new day and to trust in Your will and grace. In JESUS' blessed name, Amen!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The Most Wonderful Gift
I got an amazing surprise a few nights ago. My brother and his family drove 850 miles to surprise us for Christmas! I heard the knock on the door around 7 pm and came down to see my niece's beautiful face in my kitchen door window... let's just say I couldn't open the door fast enough!! I was so excited, I was shaking, and crying, and just kept saying 'oh my gosh' over and over as I hugged and kissed my precious niece and nephew. What an awesome gift!!!
But it isn't even the best gift!! The best gift is the one we all got 2000 years ago, in the form of our mighty God coming to us as a tiny helpless baby wrapped in humble swaddling clothes. The journey my family made, while long and tiring, was nothing compared to the journey GOD made when HE traveled from His Heavenly throne and made His way to us. They arrived knowing that there were warm beds and a comfortable place to stay where they were welcome and loved. HE arrived knowing that He would be placed in a rough manger, in a drafty stable surrounded by animals. He came, knowing that He would eventually be rejected, betrayed, humiliated, tortured and killed. His journey to us was one of humility and love. And so much sacrifice. We often think of the sacrifice of His death, but His very life was a sacrifice of love. He sacrificed the glory and majesty of Heaven to come to us. There is no greater love than that.
After I soaked in the reality that I was in fact going to get to spend Christmas with my beloved niece and nephew (I LOVE being an Aunti!!!!) I wanted to call people and tell them. No one knew that they were making the trip, so we called our parents and grandmothers to tell them the good news. They were all so thrilled to hear that their grandchildren would be here for the holidays, that they would get to spend some time getting to know them better and making memories. My brother and his wife knew how much it would mean to us to have them close by during this holiday, that time spent together brings us closer and helps our relationship to grow stronger.
Isn't that why GOD sent us His Son? To bring us closer to Him? To help our relationship with Him grow stronger? Time spent with Him is such a gift, and we should treasure it as much and more than I am treasuring every moment with these two amazing children that have invaded my house and my heart with their sweetness. And share the good news!!! Just as I called all those I love to share the good news of the unexpected guests.... we should share the good news of the long awaited Messiah!
Amazing, loving GOD, thank you for making that long, difficult journey to us, even knowing that You wouldn't always be warmly welcomed. Please always help us to greet You with excitement and amazement at the wonder of getting to spend time with You! As I watch my kids and niece and nephew opening their presents, the tree lit, the smell of Christmas breakfast filling the house, I can't help but feel the fullness of Your love and grace. Help us always to be so filled with joy and happiness at Your nearness that we just have to spread the good news of Your arrival. I love you!!!! In JESUS' name... Amen.
But it isn't even the best gift!! The best gift is the one we all got 2000 years ago, in the form of our mighty God coming to us as a tiny helpless baby wrapped in humble swaddling clothes. The journey my family made, while long and tiring, was nothing compared to the journey GOD made when HE traveled from His Heavenly throne and made His way to us. They arrived knowing that there were warm beds and a comfortable place to stay where they were welcome and loved. HE arrived knowing that He would be placed in a rough manger, in a drafty stable surrounded by animals. He came, knowing that He would eventually be rejected, betrayed, humiliated, tortured and killed. His journey to us was one of humility and love. And so much sacrifice. We often think of the sacrifice of His death, but His very life was a sacrifice of love. He sacrificed the glory and majesty of Heaven to come to us. There is no greater love than that.
After I soaked in the reality that I was in fact going to get to spend Christmas with my beloved niece and nephew (I LOVE being an Aunti!!!!) I wanted to call people and tell them. No one knew that they were making the trip, so we called our parents and grandmothers to tell them the good news. They were all so thrilled to hear that their grandchildren would be here for the holidays, that they would get to spend some time getting to know them better and making memories. My brother and his wife knew how much it would mean to us to have them close by during this holiday, that time spent together brings us closer and helps our relationship to grow stronger.
Isn't that why GOD sent us His Son? To bring us closer to Him? To help our relationship with Him grow stronger? Time spent with Him is such a gift, and we should treasure it as much and more than I am treasuring every moment with these two amazing children that have invaded my house and my heart with their sweetness. And share the good news!!! Just as I called all those I love to share the good news of the unexpected guests.... we should share the good news of the long awaited Messiah!
Amazing, loving GOD, thank you for making that long, difficult journey to us, even knowing that You wouldn't always be warmly welcomed. Please always help us to greet You with excitement and amazement at the wonder of getting to spend time with You! As I watch my kids and niece and nephew opening their presents, the tree lit, the smell of Christmas breakfast filling the house, I can't help but feel the fullness of Your love and grace. Help us always to be so filled with joy and happiness at Your nearness that we just have to spread the good news of Your arrival. I love you!!!! In JESUS' name... Amen.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Finding the Gift
2 Timothy 1:6-7 "6 for this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of GOD, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For GOD did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."
I have read this 'pericope' (section of scripture) many times. I even have verse 7 on a pocket rock, it is a verse I have turned to often when I was afraid. But I have never put the two verses together before.
I am working my way through a program called 'Ministry Inquiry' as part of my candidacy journey. It is a great program, it helps you to think about calling and what GOD's call means in your life. Right now I am on the section that discusses gifts and graces. It asked me to list my gifts and graces.... something I am kind of uncomfortable trying to do. I am never really sure what to put as an answer to that question, so when I came to that one I went online to read sermons about spiritual gifts, to try to figure out what my answer was. I came across a few great sermons that were really inspirational... hhhmmmm, almost like GOD knew I needed the messages they contained....
One was by a woman who had struggled with her decision to enter ministry. She had grown up believing that women weren't suppose to be pastors, but then she received a call from GOD. She wasn't specific in her sermon about how or what that call was, just that she felt that call very strongly. She talked about the parable of the servants, and how the first two took risks to do what they were suppose to do with what their master had given them, and the third played it safe... not wanting to risk losing what he had been given.
How many of us play it safe with the gifts GOD has given us? How many of us put those gifts away, believing that the risk... of offending someone, of mishearing the call.... of failing.... is just too great. After all, it's better to play it safe than to get hurt in the process of serving... or is it? What are we missing out on if we 'play it safe' instead of taking the risk?
Paul tells Timothy to nurture the gifts GOD has given him, to do what he has to do in order to be an effective servant "for GOD did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline". GOD didn't make us to be timid, or fearful. He didn't intend for us to run from the gifts HE has given us, even if those gifts seem more a mystery than a blessing at first. HE wants us approach our gifts with the power of the Holy Spirit, and to use them to spread the love of JESUS. HE wants us to have the self-discipline to not just identify our spiritual gifts, but to learn how and when to use them.
I think that is the hard part. It can be intimidating to try to identify your spiritual gifts. Not only do you have to know what the choices are, you have to figure out which one(s) you have been given! And then you have to figure out how to use them. But according to the sermons I read, that can be the best part! Finding out what your gifts are can be a great adventure if we let it. We can take opportunities to learn as much as we can about the different ways to serve, and along the way we will learn more about ourselves, our churches, and our GOD. And when we find out what our gifts are, we can then begin another adventure... of learning how to use them. And then we will really learn about GOD and who HE is, and what His plan is for us.
There is something I have heard a number of times that has been in my mind a lot through this journey. "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips those He has called". He has equipped us with gifts, it is our job to see what those gifts are, and use them, but He has always known what they are. He picked them out just for us!
Amazing GOD, You knew us before You spoke a word of creation on this great earth. You have blessed us with so many wonderful gifts! Please help us to learn what those gifts are, and how we can use them to glorify You and show others the way to You. In JESUS' name, Amen.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Courage
Courage is a funny thing. Do you know how many times GOD tells us to have courage? Or to fear not? So many times... it's almost as if HE knew that we would struggle with fear, almost more than any other struggle. Ok, of course HE knew that, and HE loves us so much that HE put it in HIS story over and over again, so we would be sure not to miss it.
Our GOD is amazing.
About a week and a half ago I went before the committee in our church that will be a huge part of my support system through my journey into ministry. One of the purposes of the meeting was for them to get to know where I am in my faith journey, and why I feel I am being called to go into ministry. One of the questions I was asked was why I had been scared to do the service back in July? I answered that it was the anticipation of it that was scary, all those things I imagined could go wrong. It got me thinking about courage, and what that means.
Duckling #3 said something the other day. He said that courage didn't mean you weren't afraid, it meant that you did what had to be done even though you are afraid. Ah... the wisdom of children. But seriously, he is right. Being courageous has nothing to do with a lack of fear... and everything to do with stepping around or past or even through that fear and getting to the place where you realize that your world is so much bigger than you ever imagined.
I played the violin at church tonight. We were doing a carol sing to celebrate the beginning of advent, and I played the introit (one verse of 'The First Noel') with the organist accompanying me. It went well, and a lot of people came up to me to encourage me and tell me that I did a great job.
Encourage. That is a powerful word, a powerful thing to do for someone. To encourage someone is to give them a piece of courage. All the words of encouragement that have been given to me have served to make me braver... almost like another kind of puzzle. All those beautiful words have joined together to make a picture of who I can be... if only I have the courage to go there. If I have the courage to step past or around or through the fear that is so good at holding back, I can get to where I see what all those lovely and loving people see... that I can do things!!! What a gift... what a blessing, to give someone that piece of courage.
I have this picture in my head that has been there for many years. Maybe not in a coherent way, but in the way I have lived my life. It is a picture of failure. Not necessarily based on any reality, but I have come to believe, based on the lies of the enemy, that I am not capable. Lies that I didn't have the courage to disbelieve. But all those healing words of encouragement that have been banding together are becoming bigger and stronger and so much more powerful than those lies. What an amazing, freeing thing this is! As I sat there in church tonight, after I played my piece, I just kept thinking 'I did it!' 'I can't believe I did it!!'. And it wasn't just that I played the piece, it was that I had the courage to put myself out there.
Encouragement. Healing. Freeing. Empowering. Amazing
Our GOD is amazing.
About a week and a half ago I went before the committee in our church that will be a huge part of my support system through my journey into ministry. One of the purposes of the meeting was for them to get to know where I am in my faith journey, and why I feel I am being called to go into ministry. One of the questions I was asked was why I had been scared to do the service back in July? I answered that it was the anticipation of it that was scary, all those things I imagined could go wrong. It got me thinking about courage, and what that means.
Duckling #3 said something the other day. He said that courage didn't mean you weren't afraid, it meant that you did what had to be done even though you are afraid. Ah... the wisdom of children. But seriously, he is right. Being courageous has nothing to do with a lack of fear... and everything to do with stepping around or past or even through that fear and getting to the place where you realize that your world is so much bigger than you ever imagined.
I played the violin at church tonight. We were doing a carol sing to celebrate the beginning of advent, and I played the introit (one verse of 'The First Noel') with the organist accompanying me. It went well, and a lot of people came up to me to encourage me and tell me that I did a great job.
Encourage. That is a powerful word, a powerful thing to do for someone. To encourage someone is to give them a piece of courage. All the words of encouragement that have been given to me have served to make me braver... almost like another kind of puzzle. All those beautiful words have joined together to make a picture of who I can be... if only I have the courage to go there. If I have the courage to step past or around or through the fear that is so good at holding back, I can get to where I see what all those lovely and loving people see... that I can do things!!! What a gift... what a blessing, to give someone that piece of courage.
I have this picture in my head that has been there for many years. Maybe not in a coherent way, but in the way I have lived my life. It is a picture of failure. Not necessarily based on any reality, but I have come to believe, based on the lies of the enemy, that I am not capable. Lies that I didn't have the courage to disbelieve. But all those healing words of encouragement that have been banding together are becoming bigger and stronger and so much more powerful than those lies. What an amazing, freeing thing this is! As I sat there in church tonight, after I played my piece, I just kept thinking 'I did it!' 'I can't believe I did it!!'. And it wasn't just that I played the piece, it was that I had the courage to put myself out there.
Encouragement. Healing. Freeing. Empowering. Amazing
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Our Comforting GOD
I heard a question asked recently that has had me thinking. The question was "is it comforting or not, knowing that GOD knows us better than anyone else, that HE knows our every thought and deed?" Some people feel that it is not comforting, knowing that HE knows our every word and deed.
I disagree.
One of the first things any Christian learns is that we are all sinners. None of us is perfect... and GOD knows that! HE knows that we will make mistakes... maybe even knowingly do the wrong thing, fully aware that it will break HIS heart. HE knew before we were even conceived even, what our mistakes would be, and how we would let them shape our lives. HE knew every step we would take away from HIM and His love. But His word says that HE loves us anyway! He will always forgive us when we repent! He will always forget those things that we ask forgiveness for! And HE will always desire for us to come back to Him with a repentant heart. Always!!! (I would love to put a thousand exclamation points after that...)
What a comfort to know that no matter what we do, HE loves us with a love bigger than the universe. What a comfort to know that, even if we are embarrassed by our mistakes, even if we try to hide that part of ourselves that we don't think the world will like, HE still adores us. So much so that HE came to us, humbled Himself to bring us to HIM. I believe it was Max Lucado that says that if GOD had a refrigerator, our picture would be on it. HE loves us unconditionally, unendingly, unmeasurably.
I suppose it is scary to know that HE can see who we are deep inside. To know that that part of ourselves that makes us cringe is wide open to Him. But instead of letting that thought make us cringe with shame, or cry with regret... maybe it should be a motivator. Maybe we should let the knowledge that GOD is watching help us to chose our actions and do our best to pattern what we do after JESUS. And maybe we should let HIM carve away those things that we would hide away.
Maybe that is what is scariest. What will happen if we let HIM carve us, change us, weed out those things that are holding us back from being the person HE wants us to be, the person HE created us to be? What will happen if we truly make HIM Lord of our lives, ruler of our hearts? What will happen if we make the choice that we will follow HIM wherever HE calls us to go? Even if that call takes us so far outside our comfort zone that we don't even recognize the path we are on.
I have been learning about those who were called by GOD. Esther, Moses, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Isaiah... and so many others. And they all were certain they were unqualified to serve GOD. And maybe they were. But that wasn't the point. The point was that GOD calls those HE wants to use. It isn't our place to question, just to obey. I don't know who said it, but I have heard so may times..."GOD doesn't call the equipped, HE equips those HE calls." Those HE called, those that fill the Bible with all that we need to know to live for HIM have something else in common... they weren't perfect! (except for JESUS of course!)They were sinners, murderers, adulterers, cowards, liars, too old, too young, too shy, too arrogant, you name it, they were imperfect. Just like us. Is that why GOD tells us their stories? So that we have someone to identify with? Who do you identify with? Is it Jeremiah... who was certain he didn't know enough, was too young? Is it Moses... whose speech wouldn't win any awards for public speaking? Martha and Mary... who needed reminding what the priority was? Abraham... who lied about who his wife was? Or his wife Sarah... who laughed when the Lord called her to motherhood in her old age? Or maybe Esther... who was thrust into a world completely foreign to her? Whatever the "but I am____" is in our lives, GOD says "come, I will use you." There is nothing in our lives that will make us ineligible for service to GOD. NOTHING!!!!! (maybe a million exclamation points would be good here!)
Amazing, forgiving, loving, comforting GOD, thank you for the assurance that you love us no matter what. No matter what it is that we are hiding from the world, You not only love us, but make a way... a new way... every day for us to come back to You. What a comfort that there is nothing in our past that will keep us from being used by You. In JESUS' name... amen.
I disagree.
One of the first things any Christian learns is that we are all sinners. None of us is perfect... and GOD knows that! HE knows that we will make mistakes... maybe even knowingly do the wrong thing, fully aware that it will break HIS heart. HE knew before we were even conceived even, what our mistakes would be, and how we would let them shape our lives. HE knew every step we would take away from HIM and His love. But His word says that HE loves us anyway! He will always forgive us when we repent! He will always forget those things that we ask forgiveness for! And HE will always desire for us to come back to Him with a repentant heart. Always!!! (I would love to put a thousand exclamation points after that...)
What a comfort to know that no matter what we do, HE loves us with a love bigger than the universe. What a comfort to know that, even if we are embarrassed by our mistakes, even if we try to hide that part of ourselves that we don't think the world will like, HE still adores us. So much so that HE came to us, humbled Himself to bring us to HIM. I believe it was Max Lucado that says that if GOD had a refrigerator, our picture would be on it. HE loves us unconditionally, unendingly, unmeasurably.
I suppose it is scary to know that HE can see who we are deep inside. To know that that part of ourselves that makes us cringe is wide open to Him. But instead of letting that thought make us cringe with shame, or cry with regret... maybe it should be a motivator. Maybe we should let the knowledge that GOD is watching help us to chose our actions and do our best to pattern what we do after JESUS. And maybe we should let HIM carve away those things that we would hide away.
Maybe that is what is scariest. What will happen if we let HIM carve us, change us, weed out those things that are holding us back from being the person HE wants us to be, the person HE created us to be? What will happen if we truly make HIM Lord of our lives, ruler of our hearts? What will happen if we make the choice that we will follow HIM wherever HE calls us to go? Even if that call takes us so far outside our comfort zone that we don't even recognize the path we are on.
I have been learning about those who were called by GOD. Esther, Moses, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Isaiah... and so many others. And they all were certain they were unqualified to serve GOD. And maybe they were. But that wasn't the point. The point was that GOD calls those HE wants to use. It isn't our place to question, just to obey. I don't know who said it, but I have heard so may times..."GOD doesn't call the equipped, HE equips those HE calls." Those HE called, those that fill the Bible with all that we need to know to live for HIM have something else in common... they weren't perfect! (except for JESUS of course!)They were sinners, murderers, adulterers, cowards, liars, too old, too young, too shy, too arrogant, you name it, they were imperfect. Just like us. Is that why GOD tells us their stories? So that we have someone to identify with? Who do you identify with? Is it Jeremiah... who was certain he didn't know enough, was too young? Is it Moses... whose speech wouldn't win any awards for public speaking? Martha and Mary... who needed reminding what the priority was? Abraham... who lied about who his wife was? Or his wife Sarah... who laughed when the Lord called her to motherhood in her old age? Or maybe Esther... who was thrust into a world completely foreign to her? Whatever the "but I am____" is in our lives, GOD says "come, I will use you." There is nothing in our lives that will make us ineligible for service to GOD. NOTHING!!!!! (maybe a million exclamation points would be good here!)
Amazing, forgiving, loving, comforting GOD, thank you for the assurance that you love us no matter what. No matter what it is that we are hiding from the world, You not only love us, but make a way... a new way... every day for us to come back to You. What a comfort that there is nothing in our past that will keep us from being used by You. In JESUS' name... amen.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Prisoners
"Many Christians are prisoners of fears that are nothing when pushed up
against. Satan can do nothing against a son of God, but he loves to put
barriers of paper mache in the path of a believer to make him think he is
stopped.”
This was part of a sermon I read online. The writer told a story about a jail that was being excavated. The door was strong, reinforced, impenetrable But the walls were merely paper made to look like strong iron. The prisoners could have simply pushed against the walls and escaped their prison.
And we are no better. We let satan put us in prisons of fear and doubt. Of things like depression and anxiety, sin and disobedience... simply because we believe his lies that we are incapable of escape. And every lie we believe clicks the lock closed on our personal prisons...
He whispers to us..."you are too weak, too unqualified" and we believe him and decline to serve. click
He pokes us..."you are worthless, life is overwhelming" and we believe him and sink deeper into the pit of despair. click
He points out our every flaw..."GOD can never use you, you disgusting sinner you" and we believe him and stay in our comfortable little boxes, never realizing that that there are amazing opportunities to serve HIM. That to serve HIM in ways we never dreamed we could will make our faith grow stronger and bigger than we ever imagined it could. click
Every time we allow ourselves to be stuffed into that prison, every time we choose to believe the lies of the evil one, we pull away from GOD just a little bit more. Thankfully, HE will follow us whenever we stray from HIS truth. Like that wonderful shepherd that HE is, HE will follow us... lost little sheep that we are... to bring us back. To let us follow HIS fingerprints back to the safety of HIS fold.
GOD IS GOOD...ALL THE TIME!!!! ALL THE TIME...GOD IS GOOD!!!!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Owning It
I went to a conference this past weekend for church. While there I was blessed to attend a number of great workshops and worship sessions. One thing that has stuck with me is the keynote speech from Friday. The speaker talked a little about his past, about the trials that he had faced growing up. Then he talked about how we all have things in our past that have shaped us, that are maybe difficult, and that we may still struggle with. Then he said something that has gotten my brain spinning. He said that we need to own our story. Own it, and accept it, and share it.
Now, I have had struggles in my past. Nothing earth shattering. No one thing that could be seen as huge flood of trauma that threatened to wash me away. No, my struggles were more of a constant rain of things that have added up over the years to become a tsunami of difficulty that came to be a flood of anxiety and depression over the last year and few months. The speaker went on to say that we should be willing to share these things, and how GOD has worked in them and thru them to shape us, and heal us, and grow us. And that if we do share, we are showing others a part of GOD's character that they may not have seen if not thru us.
I have seen His character... and His fingerprints... everywhere this year. Everywhere. In the sermon that spoke to me about the very thing I was struggling with. In the mid week devotion that rebuked me for my spiritual temper tantrum even while reassuring me that my God was always there for me, even in my disobedience. And the one that helped me see His call in my life. In the words of a friend that were just what I needed to hear in the middle of an especially dark day. In the words of a song, or a prayer, or an email that was like a balm to my sore heart. HE has shown me so clearly that HE is a God of love and mercy and grace, that HE cares so much for His children that He would bend down from His throne to place His fingerprints just where they were needed.
Some of His fingerprints I know were there just for me, like the time I was at an especially difficult appointment.See I have this friend who, when she can tell that I am really struggling, will look at me with this silly look and say "Cheeeese..." in a silly way that always makes me smile. On this day I was really fighting the anxiety, and while sitting in the waiting room I happened to look over at a bookshelf. Sitting on the shelf was a book titled "Who Moved My Cheese". I started to giggle, picturing my friend and her silly grin. GOD knew that that would make me smile and reduce my anxiety. He made sure that book was just where I would see it at the moment I most needed to be lifted up. It may seem like a little thing, but to me on that day it was what I needed to survive what was a real challenge to my spirit. He knew that and gave me a glimpse of His character.
He amazes me. His character humbles me. His love and mercy sustain me.
Now, I have had struggles in my past. Nothing earth shattering. No one thing that could be seen as huge flood of trauma that threatened to wash me away. No, my struggles were more of a constant rain of things that have added up over the years to become a tsunami of difficulty that came to be a flood of anxiety and depression over the last year and few months. The speaker went on to say that we should be willing to share these things, and how GOD has worked in them and thru them to shape us, and heal us, and grow us. And that if we do share, we are showing others a part of GOD's character that they may not have seen if not thru us.
I have seen His character... and His fingerprints... everywhere this year. Everywhere. In the sermon that spoke to me about the very thing I was struggling with. In the mid week devotion that rebuked me for my spiritual temper tantrum even while reassuring me that my God was always there for me, even in my disobedience. And the one that helped me see His call in my life. In the words of a friend that were just what I needed to hear in the middle of an especially dark day. In the words of a song, or a prayer, or an email that was like a balm to my sore heart. HE has shown me so clearly that HE is a God of love and mercy and grace, that HE cares so much for His children that He would bend down from His throne to place His fingerprints just where they were needed.
Some of His fingerprints I know were there just for me, like the time I was at an especially difficult appointment.See I have this friend who, when she can tell that I am really struggling, will look at me with this silly look and say "Cheeeese..." in a silly way that always makes me smile. On this day I was really fighting the anxiety, and while sitting in the waiting room I happened to look over at a bookshelf. Sitting on the shelf was a book titled "Who Moved My Cheese". I started to giggle, picturing my friend and her silly grin. GOD knew that that would make me smile and reduce my anxiety. He made sure that book was just where I would see it at the moment I most needed to be lifted up. It may seem like a little thing, but to me on that day it was what I needed to survive what was a real challenge to my spirit. He knew that and gave me a glimpse of His character.
He amazes me. His character humbles me. His love and mercy sustain me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Approved. Unanimously.
The vote was unanimous. I wasn't expecting that. I figured a few of the people on the committee would approve me, but I was fully expecting that I would be told that while they recognized my call and supported me, that I had a lot of work to do before they were willing to approve me. But they all voted yes. wow. WOW. I am going to be a pastor. I am going to serve GOD.
It is sobering.
Not in a scary, what am I thinking, way. But in a wow, all these people are behind me, and what a huge privilege and responsibility. In a 'there's no turning back', only forward way.
Am I up for the challenge?
I lay awake last night, replaying the meeting. I was sure at the time that my answers sounded weak and unintelligent. That I didn't really answer some of them, and that the ones I did were just too vague. When they brought me back in and the chairman started by saying the vote was unanimous... and then paused (how is it that that little pause... probably only in reality a second or two... seemed to stretch on for an hour???) I was bracing myself to hear that I had a lot to work on, and would I please come back in a year or so to ask for approval again. I even had ready what I would say... something along the lines of 'thank you, and I will work on these things, and I will see you in a year' or something like that. When he said that they had voted to approve me, I almost cried. These ten people all agreed that I am pastor material. I guess it surprised me because I am still trying to figure out how it is that so many people see it in me, when I still don't. I just figure GOD has His work cut out for Him, making me strong and giving me the skills and knowledge I need to do what HE wants me to do.
I was asked what I look forward to most as a pastor. I answered service. The other parts are exciting too. I like the planning parts, and the learning... there is so much I don't know that I want to. I am learning more about how the church works and feel more comfortable with the idea of being in the role of administrator. But when I think of serving a church, it's the serving... the showing up and getting stuff done, the going out and being the hands and feet of JESUS, the hands on working of being HIS disciple, that is what I am looking forward to, what fills my heart.
The only other question that stuck with me was when I was asked how it is with my soul. That one made me pause. I struggled for a minute how to answer it. There were a number of people on the committee that know what I have gone thru the past 14 months, well, they know a part of it. So I know why she asked that, but I wasn't prepared to answer in a way that didn't share too much. What I wanted to say was that I know what Paul meant when he said that he had learned to be content no matter what the circumstances. That I knew, because of the struggles I went thru, that no matter what is going on around me or even in me, GOD has me so tight in the palm of HIS hand that I am safe. That even if I don't have the spiritual or mental or physical strength to survive, HE will hold onto me until I do. Until I remember that HE is offering all the strength I need, I just have to humble myself and accept it. I wanted to say that my soul recognizes all the fingerprints GOD has left for me to find in my life this year, and that those fingerprints have been uplifting, and convicting, and healing, and humbling. That I am constantly amazed at how much my GOD loves me, that HE would take the time to send me 'love notes' in the form of a devotion, or a sermon, or a comment from a friend (or stranger for that matter!)or even something as little as a title of a well placed book. That how can I not be 'well in my soul' when I have a GOD who sees my trials and gives me glimpses of HIS love and grace and mercy (and how can I not be amazed knowing that those glimpses are just a tiny piece of HIS power and grace!). And that I am blown away at how often HE comes to me in the middle of pain and darkness to remind me that I am HIS beloved child and HE has an amazing plan for me. I wanted to say all that, but I didn't, couldn't. I was afraid if I tried to articulate it I wouldn't do the thoughts justice.There is so much more I could have said, but how do you put into words what HIS love has done in your heart and soul, it is just too big and too powerful to assign words to it. I don't think I could.
So now I have approval from PPRC. Now I have to get the approval of the church. I am nervous about that, probably more nervous than I was about last night. But I am also calm about it. Terrified but not worried. I know that it will happen when GOD wants it to, that my timing isn't the important thing. I have decided to just take it one step at a time, not to think beyond the next step unless I have to.
Unanimous. Wow.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Annointed... and Hungry
An amazing thing happened to me this week. Are you ready for it? Are you ready to hear the amazing thing that happened...it will knock your socks off... I promise!!!
I was hungry.
Yep, that was the amazing thing that happened to me this week. Right about now you are probably thinking...'um, ok. I get hungry all the time...what on earth can possibly be so amazing about that (maybe she has finally lost it???)' Nope... it really is amazing. Let me explain.
The last year or so has been a very challenging time for me. I have struggled most of my life with depression, every so often I would have a few days, or weeks that I was just really depressed. I would get over it fairly quickly. But for some reason, this past year has really been mostly a blur of depression and anxiety that I just couldn't shake. For me, one of the main ways the depression manifests is a significant loss of appetite. I don't feel hungry, and food holds no interest... so I don't eat. Not really a problem if you are talking a few days or even a week or two. But when the time stretches to over a year... then you have a problem. Since the depression grabbed ahold of me last fall I have lost 40 pounds... not a great thing when you are already on the slender side. Needless to say, it was beginning to become a real concern.
Then I went to church last Sunday.
I need to preface this by saying that our church has been blessed with a pastor who has the gift of discernment. When the HOLY SPIRIT nudges her, she listens and acts. It is a gift that has blessed not just me personally, but our whole church. I am so thankful for that gift!
So the sermon that she preached on Sunday was about healing. At the end of the sermon she invited anyone who wanted to, to come to the altar and be annointed for healing and have hands laid on them. So I went. To be perfectly honest, I don't know that I expected much. I figured that it couldn't hurt, but my hopes weren't really that high. After all, I had been prayed over, with, and for many many times over the last year plus, and things hadn't really changed very much.
I underestimated GOD's power. and HIS love. and HIS grace.
After church I was talking to Pastor about the annointing and she said something that really got my mind spinning (not that that ever happens...). She said that now nothing mattered... meaning, I assume, that none of the struggles that I have had are important, they can't hold me anymore.
She was right.
On the way home so much was going thru my mind...
...depression has no right to hold me... I have been annointed
...anxiety has no right to hold me.... I have been annointed
...anything that hurt me in the past has no right to hold me.... I have been annointed
and so it went, with all the things that have dragged me down being added to the list of things that have no right to hold me. It was freeing, and healing.
Then I realized that I was hungry. Not 'I guess I had better eat something, because it's, you know, biologically necessary' but 'I can't wait to get home... I am starving... and I can't wait to eat! And why are we going so slow?!?!?!?!'. It was the first time in a year that I was hungry and wanted to eat!
And I feel like me. Not a shadow of me that is struggling to function, afraid someone will see that I am in the midst of a struggle with this monster called depression, worried that something will happen to bring me down again. No, I feel like me. Strong and capable and ready to finish off that monster.
Because now I know I will win... I have been annointed....
My amazing, powerful GOD... Thank you doesn't cover it. I don't even have words to express what awe I have at Your power and grace. Just when I think that I get it, that I see how You work... You surprise me and humble me. Thank You for Your healing touch. For the leading of Your Holy Spirit... for a pastor who listens and obeys...for her godly influence and compassion and patience. For opening my heart and mind to the power of Your healing. And especially for never ever leaving my side. You are Amazing!!! In JESUS' name... Amen.
I was hungry.
Yep, that was the amazing thing that happened to me this week. Right about now you are probably thinking...'um, ok. I get hungry all the time...what on earth can possibly be so amazing about that (maybe she has finally lost it???)' Nope... it really is amazing. Let me explain.
The last year or so has been a very challenging time for me. I have struggled most of my life with depression, every so often I would have a few days, or weeks that I was just really depressed. I would get over it fairly quickly. But for some reason, this past year has really been mostly a blur of depression and anxiety that I just couldn't shake. For me, one of the main ways the depression manifests is a significant loss of appetite. I don't feel hungry, and food holds no interest... so I don't eat. Not really a problem if you are talking a few days or even a week or two. But when the time stretches to over a year... then you have a problem. Since the depression grabbed ahold of me last fall I have lost 40 pounds... not a great thing when you are already on the slender side. Needless to say, it was beginning to become a real concern.
Then I went to church last Sunday.
I need to preface this by saying that our church has been blessed with a pastor who has the gift of discernment. When the HOLY SPIRIT nudges her, she listens and acts. It is a gift that has blessed not just me personally, but our whole church. I am so thankful for that gift!
So the sermon that she preached on Sunday was about healing. At the end of the sermon she invited anyone who wanted to, to come to the altar and be annointed for healing and have hands laid on them. So I went. To be perfectly honest, I don't know that I expected much. I figured that it couldn't hurt, but my hopes weren't really that high. After all, I had been prayed over, with, and for many many times over the last year plus, and things hadn't really changed very much.
I underestimated GOD's power. and HIS love. and HIS grace.
After church I was talking to Pastor about the annointing and she said something that really got my mind spinning (not that that ever happens...). She said that now nothing mattered... meaning, I assume, that none of the struggles that I have had are important, they can't hold me anymore.
She was right.
On the way home so much was going thru my mind...
...depression has no right to hold me... I have been annointed
...anxiety has no right to hold me.... I have been annointed
...anything that hurt me in the past has no right to hold me.... I have been annointed
and so it went, with all the things that have dragged me down being added to the list of things that have no right to hold me. It was freeing, and healing.
Then I realized that I was hungry. Not 'I guess I had better eat something, because it's, you know, biologically necessary' but 'I can't wait to get home... I am starving... and I can't wait to eat! And why are we going so slow?!?!?!?!'. It was the first time in a year that I was hungry and wanted to eat!
And I feel like me. Not a shadow of me that is struggling to function, afraid someone will see that I am in the midst of a struggle with this monster called depression, worried that something will happen to bring me down again. No, I feel like me. Strong and capable and ready to finish off that monster.
Because now I know I will win... I have been annointed....
My amazing, powerful GOD... Thank you doesn't cover it. I don't even have words to express what awe I have at Your power and grace. Just when I think that I get it, that I see how You work... You surprise me and humble me. Thank You for Your healing touch. For the leading of Your Holy Spirit... for a pastor who listens and obeys...for her godly influence and compassion and patience. For opening my heart and mind to the power of Your healing. And especially for never ever leaving my side. You are Amazing!!! In JESUS' name... Amen.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Our loving Father
I know I have written posts before about seeing GOD's fingerprints everywhere, but I have been seeing them so much lately, and in such amazing ways, it is awesome... and humbling. It makes me think about how much HE values each of HIS children.
When you think of how powerful and mighty HE is... and how small and insignificant we are... why should HE even notice our struggles, much less give us glimpses into HIS love for us? Why should HE look down from His throne and see our pain, and do something to lessen it? We are just a bunch of selfish sinners really, going about our lives denying Him and His blessings, choosing that which feels good... rather than that which is right. And yet He takes the time to lovingly remind us that not only does HE see and hear our struggles, HE cares enough to do something about it. Not that HE removes the trials and challenges... I believe that HE does use those to help us grow and be stronger in our faith.
A few weeks ago I was heading north to visit family. The whole ride I had this idea running through my head. I should explain that I love to write. Not that I am a particularly talented or creative writer, but I find it therapeutic, especially when I am struggling with something that I need to sort out. So all the way north I had this idea running through my head. When we reached our destination I sat down at my computer and wrote out what I had been thinking. Over the next day I refined it, adding details that fleshed it out, and when I was happy with what it said, I sent it to Pastor to read.
The next day she and I were talking to another friend of ours, and I was upset about something. Our friend (who hadn't read what I had written) was talking to me to comfort me... and began saying almost exactly what I had written and sent to Pastor. She and I just looked at each other in amazement... here were HIS fingerprints again. I could almost picture HIM looking down from His throne, whispering "I know sweetie, I hear you, and I am here... fear not, I am with you". What an amazing thought!! We are never alone, never apart from His love and care.
It never ceases to amaze me that, even in the darkest moments, even when we are at our lowest, HIS 'moments' still stand out so vividly. I wish I had kept a journal of all those little moments. The times that the timing of a song, or sermon, or devotion, or the words of a friend just came at such a perfect time that there was no denying that it was HIM, reminding me that HE isn't an impersonal, far away god that is just there to tell me what to do, but a loving, attentive, just Father who truly wants His children to be strong and content and comforted.
When you think of how powerful and mighty HE is... and how small and insignificant we are... why should HE even notice our struggles, much less give us glimpses into HIS love for us? Why should HE look down from His throne and see our pain, and do something to lessen it? We are just a bunch of selfish sinners really, going about our lives denying Him and His blessings, choosing that which feels good... rather than that which is right. And yet He takes the time to lovingly remind us that not only does HE see and hear our struggles, HE cares enough to do something about it. Not that HE removes the trials and challenges... I believe that HE does use those to help us grow and be stronger in our faith.
A few weeks ago I was heading north to visit family. The whole ride I had this idea running through my head. I should explain that I love to write. Not that I am a particularly talented or creative writer, but I find it therapeutic, especially when I am struggling with something that I need to sort out. So all the way north I had this idea running through my head. When we reached our destination I sat down at my computer and wrote out what I had been thinking. Over the next day I refined it, adding details that fleshed it out, and when I was happy with what it said, I sent it to Pastor to read.
The next day she and I were talking to another friend of ours, and I was upset about something. Our friend (who hadn't read what I had written) was talking to me to comfort me... and began saying almost exactly what I had written and sent to Pastor. She and I just looked at each other in amazement... here were HIS fingerprints again. I could almost picture HIM looking down from His throne, whispering "I know sweetie, I hear you, and I am here... fear not, I am with you". What an amazing thought!! We are never alone, never apart from His love and care.
It never ceases to amaze me that, even in the darkest moments, even when we are at our lowest, HIS 'moments' still stand out so vividly. I wish I had kept a journal of all those little moments. The times that the timing of a song, or sermon, or devotion, or the words of a friend just came at such a perfect time that there was no denying that it was HIM, reminding me that HE isn't an impersonal, far away god that is just there to tell me what to do, but a loving, attentive, just Father who truly wants His children to be strong and content and comforted.
Monday, September 17, 2012
From the Back Side
I went on the women's retreat for our church this weekend. The theme of the weekend's study sessions was 'Parables from the Backside' (by J. Ellsworth Kalas). The point was to look at the parables of JESUS from a different viewpoint. It really made one think about how we really don't all see things the same. Each of us is on our own walk with GOD, each of us is on a different place on the path towards spending eternity with HIM. And those different places on the path make us see things in our own ways.There are so many questions, so many things to learn about HIM, and about Heaven and eternity. And there are so few answers that are black and white.
Sometimes it seems like the more questions we ask, the less we know. Not that we lose knowledge, but that we realize how much there is to know, and how little we truly understand.
Soon I start my classes... the first step on the road to becoming an ordained minister. I am excited about the learning... I saw the titles of the classes I'll be taking down the road and they sound really exciting. How much will I learn, and how much will I realize I don't know??? What will I see from the 'backside' that will change my understanding of my GOD? How will my relationship with HIM change and grow thru this journey? Is that the purpose of HIM sending me on this journey? To draw me closer to His side? I will be the first to admit that I don't always look to HIM first. I worry, I doubt, I ponder, I try to process, but I don't always turn to HIM and humble myself to ask for His help. This new journey isn't one I will be in control of, and it isn't one I can do on my own. I so need His help and grace, His strength and courage. Maybe that is the real purpose... the 'backside' purpose to this. And the end goal...becoming one of His shepherds, is just how I am suppose to use what I learn and how I grow.
My Lord and Strength... please help me see You in all of this. Please help me to recognize Your strength and grace along the journey, and to accept all You are freely giving me. In Your precious Son's name, Amen.
Sometimes it seems like the more questions we ask, the less we know. Not that we lose knowledge, but that we realize how much there is to know, and how little we truly understand.
Soon I start my classes... the first step on the road to becoming an ordained minister. I am excited about the learning... I saw the titles of the classes I'll be taking down the road and they sound really exciting. How much will I learn, and how much will I realize I don't know??? What will I see from the 'backside' that will change my understanding of my GOD? How will my relationship with HIM change and grow thru this journey? Is that the purpose of HIM sending me on this journey? To draw me closer to His side? I will be the first to admit that I don't always look to HIM first. I worry, I doubt, I ponder, I try to process, but I don't always turn to HIM and humble myself to ask for His help. This new journey isn't one I will be in control of, and it isn't one I can do on my own. I so need His help and grace, His strength and courage. Maybe that is the real purpose... the 'backside' purpose to this. And the end goal...becoming one of His shepherds, is just how I am suppose to use what I learn and how I grow.
My Lord and Strength... please help me see You in all of this. Please help me to recognize Your strength and grace along the journey, and to accept all You are freely giving me. In Your precious Son's name, Amen.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
A Mission and A Peace
Last night Pastor challenged us to write our life's "mission statement" as we thought GOD would write it. The only thing I could think was simply... Serve HIM. As I set out on this new journey, I don't really have a clear picture of what that service will look like. I know I keep thinking 'pastor', that is what I am looking towards as my final destination. But even in that role, there are so many different ways to serve. Will I serve in a small church or a large one? Will I be the kind of pastor that people feel comfortable going to for counsel? Will I work more with younger people? Or will it be the older brothers and sisters that I am more involved with? What will it be like to be on the other side of the pulpit each week?
I keep waiting for the worry and panic about all the changes I am facing to set in. And it hasn't. I keep wondering how it is that I am feeling such a peace about this. After all, I am looking at leaving my home... both the house that we have worked so hard to make ours, and the spiritual home that my church has become for me. I am looking at starting fresh in a new town and a new adventure that, if I am honest, I don't know fully how I will ever succeed at. But all I keep thinking is that GOD is in charge, and if HE wants me to succeed, I will. And as far as moving... well, since GOD is everywhere, and all my friends have phones... I guess that will be doable too.
And as for the peace.... "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD. And the peace of GOD, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in CHRIST JESUS". That certainly fits, because I have no understanding when it comes to this new peace I am feeling... just that it has to have come from HIM.
I keep waiting for the worry and panic about all the changes I am facing to set in. And it hasn't. I keep wondering how it is that I am feeling such a peace about this. After all, I am looking at leaving my home... both the house that we have worked so hard to make ours, and the spiritual home that my church has become for me. I am looking at starting fresh in a new town and a new adventure that, if I am honest, I don't know fully how I will ever succeed at. But all I keep thinking is that GOD is in charge, and if HE wants me to succeed, I will. And as far as moving... well, since GOD is everywhere, and all my friends have phones... I guess that will be doable too.
And as for the peace.... "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD. And the peace of GOD, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in CHRIST JESUS". That certainly fits, because I have no understanding when it comes to this new peace I am feeling... just that it has to have come from HIM.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Love Language
I listen in on my kids a lot. It's interesting to hear the conversations they have sometimes... enlightening even :)
One thing seems to happen a lot though. Some of my kids like to help... maybe one of their love languages is 'acts of service'. I am the same way, it is how I show others that they are important to me, to do something to make their day easier, or their load lighter. But, I don't know if my kids are too prideful, or if they are too independent, or what the issue is, they don't like to let people help them. I don't know how many times I have heard one of them offer help only to have to one being helped yell back 'no! don't! I can do it myself!'. What is up with that? Why are we so quick to refuse help from others? Why are we so quick to assume that the other person will be put out or inconvenienced by helping us? I know I have done it all too often. I don't want anyone to go out of their way, yet I never feel like I am going out of my way when I offer to help someone. What is up with that??
We are suppose to be JESUS' hands and feet, and voice in this world. We are suppose to serve others, both those we know and love, and those we don't. Doesn't that mean that we should also support fellow Christians in fulfilling that 'call'?When we deny someone the opportunity to serve, is that ok? I keep telling my kids that. That if they don't let their brother or sister help them, they are denying that person the opportunity to serve them, and to obey and serve GOD.
One thing seems to happen a lot though. Some of my kids like to help... maybe one of their love languages is 'acts of service'. I am the same way, it is how I show others that they are important to me, to do something to make their day easier, or their load lighter. But, I don't know if my kids are too prideful, or if they are too independent, or what the issue is, they don't like to let people help them. I don't know how many times I have heard one of them offer help only to have to one being helped yell back 'no! don't! I can do it myself!'. What is up with that? Why are we so quick to refuse help from others? Why are we so quick to assume that the other person will be put out or inconvenienced by helping us? I know I have done it all too often. I don't want anyone to go out of their way, yet I never feel like I am going out of my way when I offer to help someone. What is up with that??
We are suppose to be JESUS' hands and feet, and voice in this world. We are suppose to serve others, both those we know and love, and those we don't. Doesn't that mean that we should also support fellow Christians in fulfilling that 'call'?When we deny someone the opportunity to serve, is that ok? I keep telling my kids that. That if they don't let their brother or sister help them, they are denying that person the opportunity to serve them, and to obey and serve GOD.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
What do I Love Most About my Church?
I am on a committee that is working on a stewardship campaign designed to increase the people in the congregation's personal connection to the church. One of the things we are doing is to have people answer a few questions about their feelings for the church. Each person will have the opportunity to write their answer to each question on a heart that will then be displayed in the church.
The first question is "What do you love most about our church?"
My first thought was that that was an easy question to answer, but the more I thought about it, the more things I thought about, and the harder it is to narrow it down to one thing. Of course I love many of the people there, I have friends there that are a constant source of love and encouragement. I love the theology, that we are GOD's hands, feet, and voice in a fallen, troubled world that so needs to know HIS love. I love the building... it is my heart's spiritual home. But I think what I love the most, what pulls my heart there the most, is that it is where I have learned of my GOD. It is where I have learned to hear that still, small voice that speaks to my heart. Where I have learned of who I am as a Christian, and of who I can be for HIM. It is where I found my spiritual voice. What do I love most about my church? The whole package... the building, the people, the spiritual connection... I am so blessed to be a part of it!
The first question is "What do you love most about our church?"
My first thought was that that was an easy question to answer, but the more I thought about it, the more things I thought about, and the harder it is to narrow it down to one thing. Of course I love many of the people there, I have friends there that are a constant source of love and encouragement. I love the theology, that we are GOD's hands, feet, and voice in a fallen, troubled world that so needs to know HIS love. I love the building... it is my heart's spiritual home. But I think what I love the most, what pulls my heart there the most, is that it is where I have learned of my GOD. It is where I have learned to hear that still, small voice that speaks to my heart. Where I have learned of who I am as a Christian, and of who I can be for HIM. It is where I found my spiritual voice. What do I love most about my church? The whole package... the building, the people, the spiritual connection... I am so blessed to be a part of it!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Our Own Personal 'Patronus'
I was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban today while ironing (I know... Harry Potter... but that is another post some other day). This was the movie where Harry has to learn how to fight off 'dementors'... creepy creatures who suck the happiness out of their victims, even robbing them of their souls if not stopped. The weapon used to fight off these terrible creatures is called a 'patronus' and it physically stands between the dementor and the would be victim.
As I watched Harry's first feeble attempts at using this new weapon, I was thinking about how his struggles are very like ours when it comes to fighting off the enemy. Just like the dementors, he stands waiting to suck away every bit of happiness we posses, and if we let him, he will take it all from us. And just like Harry, we are vulnerable to the despair and hopelessness that can come from letting him in. But, just like Harry, we have a weapon we can use to fight off this real life 'dementor'... and it doesn't even require any magic, just faith.
When Harry was beginning to try out the spell that would protect him, he faltered. His confidence was shaken by the memory of being defeated by this creature before. He spoke the words that would give him protection, but he was weak and afraid. As he continued to try to work this 'magic', his confidence grew, but he was still too unsure to make it work. It wasn't until he saw himself doing the spell that he gained the confidence he needed to do the spell correctly.
We don't have a magic wand, fancy words, or a time turner (that's how he was able to see himself...long story). But we don't need any of that (and GOD says that trying to use any of those things is wrong). We have GOD's word. HE tells us that HE has given us authority through belief in JESUS to overcome the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19). If we have accepted JESUS as Savior, we have the HOLY SPIRIT in us, and HE will protect us from the enemy. That is better than any patronus could ever be. All we have to do is call on the name of JESUS, and the enemy will turn tail and run. He may come back, and he may attack even more aggressively, but he will NOT win! Like Harry, we may be haunted of times that the enemy has appeared to have victory over us. And like Harry, we may think that we are too weak, or too inexperienced, or just too small to have victory over such a foe. But 1 John 4:4 says that the one that is in us is greater than the one that is in the world, so it doesn't matter that we aren't able to do it. HE can.
As I watched Harry's first feeble attempts at using this new weapon, I was thinking about how his struggles are very like ours when it comes to fighting off the enemy. Just like the dementors, he stands waiting to suck away every bit of happiness we posses, and if we let him, he will take it all from us. And just like Harry, we are vulnerable to the despair and hopelessness that can come from letting him in. But, just like Harry, we have a weapon we can use to fight off this real life 'dementor'... and it doesn't even require any magic, just faith.
When Harry was beginning to try out the spell that would protect him, he faltered. His confidence was shaken by the memory of being defeated by this creature before. He spoke the words that would give him protection, but he was weak and afraid. As he continued to try to work this 'magic', his confidence grew, but he was still too unsure to make it work. It wasn't until he saw himself doing the spell that he gained the confidence he needed to do the spell correctly.
We don't have a magic wand, fancy words, or a time turner (that's how he was able to see himself...long story). But we don't need any of that (and GOD says that trying to use any of those things is wrong). We have GOD's word. HE tells us that HE has given us authority through belief in JESUS to overcome the power of the enemy (Luke 10:19). If we have accepted JESUS as Savior, we have the HOLY SPIRIT in us, and HE will protect us from the enemy. That is better than any patronus could ever be. All we have to do is call on the name of JESUS, and the enemy will turn tail and run. He may come back, and he may attack even more aggressively, but he will NOT win! Like Harry, we may be haunted of times that the enemy has appeared to have victory over us. And like Harry, we may think that we are too weak, or too inexperienced, or just too small to have victory over such a foe. But 1 John 4:4 says that the one that is in us is greater than the one that is in the world, so it doesn't matter that we aren't able to do it. HE can.
Friday, August 10, 2012
A Decision Made and A Peace Found
Tonight was the closing program for the Vacation Bible School at our church. As the director I was the one who spoke to the families gathered to watch the kids preform. As I drove home I compared this year with past years. Most notable was what was missing from last year. Missing was the anxiety, complete with sweaty palms, racing heart, sick stomach and general panicky feeling. I was still a little uncomfortable, but I did it and it felt ok... wow. Since I made the decision about my future, I have felt so much more at peace in general, and specifically, I have felt much more comfortable talking to groups, even praying out loud in front of people. I have a long way to go, but I can feel that "peace that surpasses all understanding". Not to say that life is a bed of roses, well I guess maybe it is, complete with the thorns. But at least that part is headed in the right direction.
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